Deepening My Understanding of Empathy
Hello Friends!
Annette and I hope you are all enjoying your summer and that life is going well for you. We are doing pretty well, except I’ve been struggling lately with a pinched nerve in my neck. Ouch! Through the years, I’ve learned how important empathy is to nurturing our relationships and processing our life experiences – and my current struggle confirms everything I’ve learned. I’ve really been needing some empathy lately!
A few weeks ago, I had my first chiropractic adjustment in a very, very long time. Immediately after my adjustment, I felt great! I felt so good, in fact, that I decided to make sure to go in for an adjustment more frequently.
Unfortunately, my excitement didn’t last too long. Five days later, I was outside enjoying the sunset when the muscles in my neck spasmed, and since then, I have been in immense pain. The next day, I returned to the chiropractor and discovered I have a pinched nerve in my neck. It has been some of the worst pain in my life, making it extremely difficult to sleep, sit, and move. I have also had to let our clients know that although I move like I should be in a zombie movie, my mind is still completely present.
Here’s where empathy comes in:
When I returned to the chiropractor’s office the morning after the pain began, my neck hurt so badly I couldn’t turn my head and I couldn’t even drive myself there.
At this appointment, I explained to the chiropractor where I was when the pain started, how excruciating the pain was, and also asked if the pain resulted from my recent adjustment. While the pinched nerve by itself is painful enough, the chiropractor’s passive response and complete lack of empathy is the most shocking part of this whole experience. All he said about my pain was, “I think the pain should just go away on its own.” Think?? Should?? I have never been in this much physical pain before. I don’t accept thinking or shoulding.
I need a why! I need a when! And ultimately, I need hope!
From my perception, the chiropractor had no regard for my pain and my worry that things could get worse. He acted like a pinched nerve is routine!
Well, it certainly is not routine to me. Quite honestly, I am extremely frightened!
When we are injured, or something upsetting happens, it is easy to catastrophize . . . at least it is for me. Not being able to sleep, worrying that this pain will never go away, I can easily go to thinking I’ll be stuck like this for the rest of my life!
Annette could tell that I was pretty upset after my appointment. She has had to learn about giving empathy; as she puts it, “it doesn’t come naturally to her,” and she has to concentrate when she wants to give empathy. So, I guess she was really concentrating because as I told her what the chiropractor said, Annette responded with:
You needed him to acknowledge your pain and your worry that the pain might never go away. You needed him to assure you that he would be with you and help you until you experience relief and feel back to normal.
I couldn’t hold back the tears when I heard her say this. I felt everything we talk about in our coaching. I felt seen, heard, and known. And most of all, I didn’t feel alone and realized I didn’t have to carry the weight of this experience all by myself.
Even though I am still suffering, I am not struggling as much emotionally because I know I am supported. Empathy can’t take my physical pain away, yet it sure has made me feel better!
When you know someone who is hurting, please remember that a little bit of empathy goes a long way!
Lots of love to you all,
Ada